Do you ever feel like you’re always running but you don’t know what from? Oftentimes I get confused, exhausted with the chase, and look back to see who’s behind me.
Every time I’m looking in a mirror.
I question why I go through these emotions of inadequacy so often. Do more people feel this way? What am I trying to chase? What do I want in life? I feel like I don’t have what everyone else has–but that’s the thing, isn’t it? Do they really have it all? Is that really what I want anyway?
We live in an unfortunate time of looking into the lives of others through tiny squares of frozen moments. I’m thankful for the accounts I follow of real women discussing real motherhood. Yes, there are those beautiful frozen moments and we all have them, but they are just that: moments. I remind myself of this fact often. I’m thankful I get to capture many of these moments myself, but my life isn’t all the pretty pictures I post either. What I needed to know how to do was slow down.
Recently, I’ve had to take what felt like three steps backwards. I have been dealing with health issues and wasn’t able to do it alone anymore. It got me thinking on it anyway: should we be doing it alone? So we took some steps back and moved home–not that home is a step back–but we did it quickly and the housing market…guys it’s a joke.
I’ve mentioned on many occasions throughout the years that we live in seasons of life. My son just turned 3. We’re still in the diapers, not sleeping through the night, very dependent stage with him. I know it’ll change soon (fairly soon, I hope) but for now I have to offer more of my attention to him. This means my attention isn’t everywhere else it should be. I felt like I was falling behind. I felt like I was failing everyone. I wasn’t embracing my current season but was trying to be everything for everyone else.
I feel like it’s not said enough, so I’ll be the one to say it: this season is so hard.
I feel inadequacy in many facets of my life, but parenting has been a big one. Once I started having health issues, I felt even worse about myself. Not filling my cup meant I couldn’t give anything to anyone else. This has been hard.
I guarantee many of us have felt this way and not just in parenthood. The world can be a scary place and it’s hard to figure out what it is that fuels us to get up each morning. I’m a firm believer in doing what you love each day–it’s why I write. I write for myself. And as I write, things start to unravel and make more sense than they did previously. Writing is what fills my cup. It’s my time to let go of everything I’m thinking and feeling. Sometimes my words come out in posts like this, sometimes they spill into a fictional story. However they come out, I feel a sense of purpose and fulfillment.
I’m a firm believer in doing what you love each day.
I’ve had to set aside pride and believe that asking for help is okay. It’s probably one of my biggest flaws. I’m afraid to ask for help because I’m afraid it portrays weakness. But perhaps weakness is being too stubborn to admit you can’t do it alone.
My season is changing.
My daughter is starting school in two weeks, having been homeschooled until now. She has been with me for the past 5.5 years. This change will be very different and difficult for me, but I’m embracing it with open arms. While having her gone will feel strange, I know that it’s best for me. Sometimes we have to compromise on things in order to be the best versions of ourselves. For me, choosing to give up homeschooling means I can focus on healing, which means I’ll ultimately be a better mother and a better person.
See, that’s the thing too. I always had a fear that if I wasn’t doing it all, I wasn’t doing it right. That’s not true either. And I hope whoever is reading this can take some peace from my words and hold them in their own heart: what you are capable of is enough.
Let your season change if it needs to. Change is part of life. There’s no possible way you learn in life without making mistakes, without having to backtrack or reroute or change your mind. Life is literally a path to learning. And it’s not a straight path, that’s for sure.
What you are capable of is enough.
All seasons end. This is something I’m learning to accept. Mourning the change of a season is okay, too, but everything comes back around. Every night the sun sets. In the morning, it rises once more. Every season has a purpose. And you–you have a purpose too. Find what it is that drives you. Find your limits. Find your boundaries. Find your people and hold onto them tight.
Fill your cup.
And one day, there will come a time when your cup is overflowing.
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